Titilayo Olurin: Nerves, Weird Fetishes or Plain Bad Kissing?

I love watching kissing scenes. They make me break out in goosebumps, squeal in delight, and rub my palms together excitedly like some smitten teenager who is yet to experience her first kiss. Sometimes, I tear up and sniffle a little, especially when it’s a happy ending moment accompanied by a touching love song.

It does not matter if it’s a TV series, movie, or some reality dating show. As long as there is a great kissing scene and a cute couple, you’ll find me watching gleefully. Yet, I am not much of a kisser in reality, which is a surprise for someone who loves to watch. No, don’t get me wrong. I love a good kiss with someone I am attracted to once in a while. But I get stuck in my head and let the what ifs take over, so much so that I can hardly bring myself to lock lips with anyone.

What if it is awkward? What if we kiss and I cannot meet his gaze afterwards, or I start to dislike him? What if he kisses with his eyes wide open? I would wonder. Still, nothing scares me like the thought of a bad kiss. I mean, the saliva-drooling-tongue-biting-mouth-swallowing-teeth-clashing kind of kiss that makes you want to gag. Add tongue-probing to the mix, and you’ve got “the worst kiss ever!” – the exact words of a colleague.

Nerves, Goof Ups or Weird Fetishes? 

“It was the absolute worst, Titi! I don’t know how I survived it,” the colleague lamented, visibly cringing in recollection as she described her recent lip-locking activity with someone she was seeing.

She had just started dating this man, and they had not shared more than a few pecks until one evening when they decided to take the pecking up a notch with a long kiss. Things got awkward when he proceeded to shove his tongue down her throat, and he had a tongue the length of a chameleon.

Ah! Wait… on purpose? I wanted to know.

“Yes now! Why else?” she responded, her brows furrowing.

It could have been a mistake. Perhaps he got so lost in the passion of the moment, that he didn’t know that he was doing it. But to shove his tongue down her throat on purpose? Haba!

“I know, right?” the colleague said, rolling her eyes. “It gets worse!”

No way! How much worse could it possibly get?

“Much worse.” She went on to give me the rest of the gist. Soon after the tongue shoving, he started to nibble on her lips, and before she could spell kiss in her head, he had already bitten her tongue.

Oh dear! Was that also on purpose? If sticking out his tongue or biting someone else’s was some kind of fetish for him, there would have been no harm in asking if she was cool with it rather than getting on with it.

“You know!” she snapped her fingers and thinned her lips. “I’d just have told him no if he had asked.”

She could still give him another chance. He was probably just full of nerves since it was his first time kissing her.

“Mbanu! I no do again!” she insisted, shaking her head firmly. “Why don’t you kiss him? I dash you. I bet you’ve never experienced it.”

But she was wrong. I have had my share of bad kissing experiences, even similar to hers. One time, someone stuck out his tongue smack in the middle of kissing me. I was dazed and confused. What was I supposed to do with his tongue? Another time, someone started making funny moaning sounds while kissing. Uh, bros, why? Can we not, please?

They say kissing is subjective, and what seems bad to someone might not be bad to another person. So, it is possible that some people do not mind the moaning sounds. There are also fetishes that some of us would think weird and never understand but others would be totally up for. There are yet times when certain kissing goof-ups are really just that – goof-ups, or perhaps a lot of nerves. Still, there are kisses that everyone will agree are bad, unpleasant and downright irritating no matter how you slice it. The slobbery kind, for instance. What’s with the saliva? I’ve got enough of mine, thank you! I do not need any more than I already have. There’s the teeth kind, too. I do not need to hear your teeth clashing with mine or feel your teeth on my tongue. There’s also the mouth-swallowing kind. Don’t open your mouth wide and bring it hard on mine like you want to swallow it, all in the name of kissing. Then the sweat drooling. Like struggling with your saliva in my mouth isn’t bad enough, I also have to contend with sweat trickling down your upper lip and chin.

Bad Kissing? Miss Me with That!

My colleague stopped dating the tongue-biter after that kiss. Of course, you can guess why. No one wants to stay stuck with a bad kisser. I most certainly do not. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone I cannot kiss. But beyond the tongue-biting and all, there are other factors that come into play when kissing. Your breath, for instance. Imagine perceiving the smell of fish that someone just ate on their breath or tasting it while kissing. Yikes! It’s the same way they’d feel about your breath if you do not pay attention to it. Nothing beats clean, fresh breath.

It also helps if you have chemistry with the person you’re locking lips with. When I watch kissing scenes of two people with an undeniable chemistry that exudes through the TV screen (you know, the Rege-Jean Page and Phoebe Dynevor in Bridgerton I, Will Smith and Margot Robbie in Focus, Denzel Washington and Paula Patton in Déjà Vu kind of chemistry), the goosebumps on my skin grow twice over. Oh, chemistry is everything! Do you know what also helps? Being considerate of the feelings of others. I mean, if you do something bizarre while kissing me and assume that I like it without asking me first, you are not only a bad kisser, you are selfish. Rude, too. Well, because!

What doesn’t help is acting like you are good at a kissing technique when you have no idea what you’re doing. Lip nibbling is an example. I hear it makes for a great tease when done properly. I don’t have to tell you what happens otherwise. It is okay to admit that you are clueless, though. That’s the only way you can improve. You must also be willing to learn and make an effort. Whatever you do, don’t brag about how much of a great kisser you are, only to leave a bad taste in my mouth – and I mean that literally.

So, what kissing experiences have you had that left a bad taste in your mouth? Pray, do tell!

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